ELY, MN – April 1, 2020 – Brainstorm Bakery, makers of the infamous Crapola brand of granola, are announcing their historic launch of the world’s first high-fiber candy bar. Sure to go down in the annals of CPG history, the new bar is named Uranus.
The brains have clearly been storming at Brainstorm Bakery. After growing their granola business for over twelve years, co-founders Andrea and Brian Strom decided to expand their product line beyond granola. Granola bars seemed like a logical extension, but there was too much competition. “We felt the nutrition bar segment was really overdeveloped and just too crowded to even consider making a play, but there was plenty of opportunity to disrupt the candy bar category”, says Andrea.
So the husband and wife team decided to apply their signature blend of mojo to developing an entirely new product. “Our trademark style of marketing calls out the high-fiber benefits of the products we make. We put the ‘fun’ in functional food, and we realized there was nobody doing that in the candy bar aisle” according to Brian. “With all due respect to the iconic brands, they haven’t innovated in years. Look at the typical ingredients in candy bars: corn syrup, hydrogenated oil, artificial flavors… today’s consumers don’t want that”.
“People still want to enjoy a tasty candy bar, but they also want clean ingredients, functional benefits, protein and, of course, fiber. That’s why we took our inspiration from the Mars bar but innovated to make it just as tasty, but light years ahead in terms of nutritional quality. The end result is out of this world! That’s why we called it ‘Uranus’”, said Andrea. “And it helps you poop” added Brian.
The Stroms didn’t specify a launch date, mentioning they will likely need to raise capital to build out their supply chain in the coming months. In addition to launching the product into retail, they also hinted at the possibility of actually launching a rocket to the planet Uranus as a promotional stunt. According to Brian, “as a side mission we could also orbit the Earth a couple times and send back some video, proving once and for all what shape it really is”. When pressed for his opinion on the controversial flat earth theory, Mr. Strom declined to comment, saying “I won’t personally weigh in on that matter, but I can assure you, Uranus is definitely round”.
Stay tuned to Crapola for updates. Please visit www.crapola.us
###
Disclaimer: This is an April Fools' Day press release and should be taken as such by readers and the media.